I’ve noticed that many of the stories I encounter about mental health tend to focus either on the darkest moments or on the triumphant ones – including the stories I’ve shared myself. In between those two opposites, however, there is a long road of treatment, recovery, and daily battles, as well as a lot of gray days that are neither too dark nor too triumphant.
Here is something I wished people knew about my mental health recovery journey so far…
If I say that I see a psychiatrist, take medication and have weekly therapy sessions, it does not mean that I’m always ‘well’ (much less ‘cured’).
I’ve had many people congratulating me for getting help and saying that they’re glad I am working with professionals to address my mental health conditions. But the truth is, doing these things doesn’t mean I’m always well. I still have bad (and even horrible) days, but treatment and recovery have helped me gain skills and tools to better deal with those days.
It may seem ‘easy’ to take medication and go to therapy. But what people who’ve never been on this journey may not know is that treatment for mental health conditions is very difficult, and it’s work — a lot of hard work.
It’s very ‘easy’ to take my three daily pills – one gulp of water and it’s done. But it’s not easy to deal with side effects, and medication changes, and how expensive they can get sometimes even with health insurance. And then there’s dealing with health insurance issues, and not being able to go out with colleagues after work because I have to stop by the pharmacy which is far away.
I have to keep tabs on my medications to make sure I never run out and organize them weekly into my medication container. I have to make sure I don’t forget to take them with me when needed and reach out to my psychiatrist when I need refills — all of which takes time and energy to do; and energy is not something I have much of when struggling with anxiety and depression.
I’ve changed medications several times and have experienced difficult side effects both starting and stopping medications: severe nausea, headaches, and increased anxiety that left me bed-bound for days.
I even had a pretty serious reaction to one of my medications that scared me – my provider couldn’t explain it. Because of how that experience destabilized me, there was even a moment when going into a psychiatric unit was a real possibility (which would have meant taking leave from my internship and master’s program).
Therapy has not been any easier. It’s expensive for me and a weekly commitment means having to say ‘no’ to more enjoyable activities. Therapy has been challenging and uncomfortable. It pushes me out of my comfort zone, which is hard to do even when my comfort zone has been harmful to me. It challenges my thoughts and behaviors. And in all therapy settings I’ve been in, I’ve always had some homework to do during the week (on top of all the work I have to do as a Ph.D. student).
I don’t regret getting help for my mental health, but I do wish someone had told me how long and difficult the journey of treatment and recovery could be.
Sometimes, I feel like quitting. I feel like never going to therapy again or canceling my next appointment with my psychiatrist, because the truth is, I’m tired and recovery is exhausting. I can’t make any plans or decisions without considering my treatment: how is it going to affect my therapy schedule? Will I have enough medication for this trip?
I will always encourage people to reach out for help if they are struggling with their mental health — it is important, and can be life-saving.
But I also believe it’s important that we start a conversation about what ‘getting help’ is actually like — and the truth is that it’s hardly ever easy.
It’s a sacrifice and for some, like me, it’s a life-long commitment. It’s challenging and uncomfortable. And through it all, we’re still experiencing our mental health conditions. It’s having a panic attack and going to therapy anyway. It’s going through a depressive episode and still getting out of bed for a psychiatric appointment.
Recovery for me has been still struggling but knowing I’m not struggling alone.
And though the journey is long and hard, treatment and recovery have given me hope and strength to carry on.
Opinions and experiences published on girlsglobe.org are not medical advice. If you are struggling with your mental health, please seek help from a doctor or mental health professional.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help immediately. In the United States, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text TWT to 741741. For a list of international suicide hotlines, visit www.buddy-project.org/hotlines.