Women Who Do Too Much

The exhausted woman is a cultural trope.

It’s a scene repeated in books, movies, our own lives: she arrives, apologetic, to a lunch appointment or meeting, straight after her last appointment or meeting.

Somehow, between mouthfuls of food, she remembers what’s been going on in your life, updates you on how she’s been juggling her career and her personal life and her family responsibilities, periodically checking her phone to answer an urgent text, share that contact you needed, forward that interesting article, and then rushes to leave on time for another appointment or meeting or to pick up the kids.

Even looking at the mythological modern woman is exhausting. Being her is next to impossible. A whole industry has been spun around the herculean task that is living up the feat that is being a successful modern woman.

Artist Emma Clit, who followed up her viral comic You Should Have Asked with The Consequences, used both to brilliantly highlight the multitudinous invisible burdens women carry with them every day. The psychological wear and tear is hard to see, but significant.

Women of all ages – from as young as adolescents – may recognize the heavy psychological effects that stem from the expectation that they can be everything to everyone.

So, what can we do about it? Recognize this in yourself? Want to know what to do next?

Don’t Feel Guilty

If you’ve taken pride in being there for the people around you, taking time for yourself – even when you desperately need it – can feel like self-absorption or failure. A helpful trick is to think of ourselves as our best friends: if they came to us, worn out and frazzled, we’d insist that they turn off their phone and think about taking care of themselves for at least an afternoon.

Running or Swimming or Yoga (or Something Else)

We’ve heard this ad nauseum, but it really does help. Any kind of exercise helps lower stress levels and does wonders for our health. We don’t have to run marathons or join dance classes (unless we want to!) Free youtube tutorials teaching you how to stretch or moonwalk or kickbox or anything that gets you breaking a sweat are just as good.

Schedule You Time

The way we’ve been told we need to make time for our jobs, our partners, our friends, is the same way we need to make time for ourselves. It is okay to say no to the party and stay in to rest if you need to (it really is). It is okay to tell your significant other you need some space to recharge.

Be Your Own Advocate

(Warning label: This can be the hardest one to do.) Learning to insist on helping and breaking patterns is a difficult thing to do, even when they’re patterns we don’t particularly enjoy, but it’s crucial to maintaining our mental health and the health of our relationships.

Further Reading on Girls’ Globe

Is Fear of Failure Holding you Back?

If I think back to roughly seven years ago, my barely-teenage self would have had Coldplay’s ‘Fix You’ on repeat while walking home. The famous lyric, ‘When you try your best but you don’t succeed,’ made a mark on my adolescent mind back then and I guess it has never really left. I used to wake up with the thought of it, write it down and sing it out whenever I had the opportunity.

When the world around you tries to make believe that you aren’t good enough and don’t try hard enough, the worry that you’re failing starts to stick.

Recently, I have found myself spiralling back down into the toxic circle of conformity and self-pressure. Often new adventures and new life phases come with new challenges. These challenges are unfamiliar and can seem impossible to overcome. Thirteen-year-old me pops into my head, repeating ‘when you try your best but you don’t succeed…’ for some kind of comfort.

But now, older and wiser (or so I like to think), I know there is more to success than other people’s opinions and perception of the word itself. The question I ask myself now is – when will the fear of failure become too real? When will the consequence become not trying at all?

In today’s busy, fast-paced world, failure is often deemed unacceptable. We are encouraged to create and innovate but also to avoid making mistakes or ‘wasting’ resources like time or money. Surely, the only real failure in life is when you stop trying. When the fear of failure takes control.

If you haven’t heard this recently, let me be the one to remind you:

We were not made to be perfect. We were not made to be great at everything we attempt.

As crazy as it sounds, fear and failure are not your enemies. The fear is a biological response that is triggered by your brain when it perceives a threat in your environment. Your brain then makes a decision based on this perceived threat, regardless of whether or not it actually is one. The good news is that it is then up to you to decide whether to let it affect you.

Don’t let the fear of failure stop you from achieving and accomplishing for yourself. There is no need to achieve in order to please other people. In fact, the biggest success is to try solemnly for yourself and nobody else.

Tips for Supporting Someone Experiencing Depression

After I shared a list of the tools helping me handle depression, I started to think about what my experience has taught me about helping other people.

Do you know someone suffering from depression? If you do, it can feel difficult to know what to say or what to do. Based on what I’ve learnt so far, here are my tips for supporting someone you care about.

Dont…

…tell them to toughen up. Believe me, they are already trying their best. Being told to “fight back” or “be stronger” only makes you feel much, much worse. It is difficult to trust someone who clearly believes that you are not trying hard enough or that you are just ‘pretending’ to be miserable.

…judge them for taking medication. You can be sure that they have discussed doing so with professionals and made an informed decision. They don’t need you to decide whether or not their pain is ‘important’ enough. Someone once shouted at me and said she didn’t think I could be ‘unwell enough’ to need pills. Luckily for her, she was not in my head, so she could not feel my pain. None of us can really know what is best for someone else. 

…force them to go out, party or cheer up. Some days, it is simply impossible to fake it. So, unless you want to see them break down in tears in front of everyone at the party, drop it. Let them choose to hide for a while, be gentle. Just show them you are listening to them and there for them no matter what.

Do…

…be patient. Accept that they will have bad days, that their mood might change, and that they might refuse to tell you anything for now.

…pay attention and ask questions – gently. Check if their appetite has gone up or down, ask them about their sleep – a lot of symptoms are invisible. No one around me could ever even imagine that I have had suicidal thoughts, but I have. Try not to make assumptions about your friends, some people are really positive and enthusiastic, but it doesn’t mean they are at peace within themselves. Some of us have become masters at hiding pain.

…remind your friends to take some ‘self-care’ time and do it with them. Sometimes watching a movie, sharing nice food and going to bed at 9pm with your friend is just perfect.

…encourage them. Congratulate on every little step. Sometimes getting up in the morning is so hard. Opening up about their pain and feelings is hard. So if they trust you enough to open up to you, be grateful and proud of them.

…remember you don’t have to say anything. It’s very hard to find the right words to comfort someone. Sometimes it can be ok just to listen and be present.

…break the stigma. Every time you hear any of the followings, please speak up. For the sake of everyone, let’s make these false statements stop: “people who are depressed are weak”, “depression is a white person’s problem”, “you must experience difficult or traumatic external conditions for your depression to be valid”

One final point – remember to check on the men and boys around you. They feel pain too but gender norms and inequalities might be making it very difficult for them to open up about it!

Opinions and experiences published on girlsglobe.org are not medical advice. If you are struggling with your mental health, please seek professional help from a doctor. 

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, or if you know someone who is, please reach out for help immediately. Suicide Stop has a list of suicide hotlines worldwide, which you can find here

These Tools are Helping Me Handle Depression

Ok everyone, I have never ever said it publicly but here it is: I have depression.

I want to share a little bit of my story. I want to focus on the positive and contribute in my own little way to fighting stigma and promoting mental health awareness.

In recent months, I have tried every possible tool I could find to feel better. Counselling, medication, exercising, yoga, hillwalking, travelling, journaling, meditation and mindfulness, etc.… The good news is that some of it is working. Slowly, very slowly, but every step forward counts. Getting better is a journey.

First, you have to make the difficult first step: becoming conscious of how you are feeling, accepting it and making a decision to try to change it – to grow out of the pain and find balance again. After that you need many, many more little steps, time, trial and error, endurance and faith in yourself.

None of this is easy, I know. I am still trying and learning myself, but here are a few tools and tips I would like to share. Remember that depression is a very subjective experience, you need to find what works for you.

Commit to yourself. 

Choose to invest time, effort and maybe even money in your recovery. It will be worth it, I promise. Maybe instead of burying your pain in a pile of brand new clothes, use that money for a therapy session if you can? Make choices that will help you feel better inside.

Remember that you and only you can make the necessary internal journey to get better.

Not your medication, not your therapist, not your friends, YOU. I know you might feel totally unworthy, meaningless and discouraged, but remember you are not broken. Nothing in you wants to hurt you.

Be a friend to yourself.

Remember when your best friend last had a heartbreak and cried in front of you? Did you shout at her and tell her to be stronger? Did you blame her for being so miserable? No (at least I hope not!). Use that same kindness and compassion you can show others and show it to yourself.

Go online.

There are plenty of great professional or community groups that can support you out there, you are not alone. Fill your social media feeds with accounts that make you feel good.

Read books, listen to podcast or TED Talks, watch videos about mental health.

The more you understand about what’s happening to you, the less ‘unusual’ and alone you will feel.

Don’t keep pain to yourself.

One of the hardest thing for me was to open up and talk about how I was feeling. Informing a few trustworthy friends made things a tiny bit more bearable. Choose people that make you feel comfortable, people who can listen and respect you even when you cannot be your most ‘fun’ or ‘happy’ self.

You don’t have to tell them everything and you don’t have to talk about it all the time. But trust me, on a day when you feel like bursting into tears, it makes it so much better to feel safe and able to express your feeling instead of trying hard to hide them. There’s also the option of professional help, like a doctor or a therapist.

Try new things.

Surprise yourself and explore things you have never done before. It doesn’t have to be something big. Maybe you can choose an interesting documentary on Netflix instead of your favourite romantic movie? Maybe you can try some crafts? Dance alone, sing in the shower? Maybe it will make you feel a bit better for a few hours and create new interests and new curiosities in you? (Maybe it won’t, and that’s ok too.)

Make lists.

Lists are cool. They help clarify things a bit and are easy to read. For instance, write a list of things that help you when you are down. Break it down into different categories (e.g. Physical: keeping a healthy body, doing yoga…; Social: the friends you trust, online communities; Spiritual: your meditation and mindfulness practice; Material: your bed, essential oils, anti-depressant medication, etc.).

Next time your mind hurts, check your list and find your best helper in that situation. Maybe you need a warm shower, a good cry and your bed. Maybe you need to call a friend and get some fresh air. Maybe you need to arrange a new appointment with your therapist. A list can remind you that you have plenty of options to support you – just pick one that suits you best in that moment.

Be patient with yourself.

There will be times where you get angry and disappointed at yourself. Days where you feel like you are not progressing at all, where you are backsliding. You will wonder if you will always be depressed, if there is really a way out, if this is who you are forever. Maybe you will even start thinking that this life is not worth living and wish to stop everything for good. That’s ok. The pain can be truly unbearable and overwhelming, so it makes sense to think these things. But please, don’t give up on yourself. You are a unique and beautiful person, trust and be kind to yourself. You are so worth it.

If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, or if you know someone who is, please reach out for help immediately. Suicide Stop has a list of suicide hotlines worldwide, which you can find here

Opinions and experiences published on girlsglobe.org are not medical advice. If you are struggling with your mental health, please seek professional help from a doctor.